We at On Fire love to rank things. Until recently, our favorite basketball player was Metta World Peace (for the record, we care more about the quantity of different skills unrelated to basketball in a basketball player than we do about the quality of his actual basketball skills).
Here is a quick rundown, for those of our loyal readers who are unfamiliar with the multitudes of talents of this man. As "The Captain" told us in season six of "How I Met Your Mother," all great men name themselves. Well, Mr. World Peace took this advice straight to heart.
His mother named him Ronald Artest. He first asserted his independence early in his youth, making it known that he preferred to be called Ron instead of Ronald (in the name of full disclosure, we must confess that we did not ascertain for certain whether Mr. World Peace's birth name actually was Ronald [we just assumed that it was] and neither did we investigate into whether it was actually Mr. World Peace's decision to shorten that name, if it was his, into Ron).
But Mr. World Peace did not stop there. Living up to The Captain's advice, he proceeded to change his name, legally, to Metta World Peace. And in so doing, by the logic of The Captain's statement (and we at On Fire hold everything said on "How I Met Your Mother" to be infallible), he made himself a great man.
Our resident logicians have pointed out that The Captain's statement was an if/then statement, not an if and only if statement. In layman's terms, he was saying that if you are a great man, then you will name yourself, but you can name yourself and still not be a great man. In other words, naming yourself is a necessary but not sufficient step in becoming a great man.
Regardless, we at On Fire believe that Mr. World Peace is a great man. In addition to naming themselves, all great men excel at more than one thing or at least dabble in several different hobbies (we were unable to find a quote from a minor character on a past-its-prime TV show to say this for us but nonetheless, our readers can rest assured that this statement was read by two members of our executive board and our excellent Copy Chief before being printed, and therefore must be true).
Well, Mr. World Peace plays basketball by day, but by night he hits the clubs as a rapper. Come to think of it, most basketball games take place at night so he probably hits the studio by day, but either way Mr. World Peace knows how to bust a rhyme. He is so committed to his rapping that he once asked the Detroit Pistons, his former team, for a year off so he could finish his first album.
His request was denied. Big corporations and stuffy executives are forever squashing the great ambitions and grand dreams of great men like Mr. Artest. But he tried, and that is all that we at On Fire really care about.
Sports Illustrated once asked Metta what he would name a racehorse, if he owned one. Without hesitation (we assume, only having read a print version of the interview), he responded "Ghetto Fabulous."
That little anecdote in no way relates to Metta's status as a great man, but we at On Fire find it to be extremely funny.
But this column is not actually about Metta (we just love him so much that he inspires long tangents). This article is about our new favorite basketball player – Iman Shumpert of the New York Knicks.
Mr. Shumpert passes the many skills test. Like our friend Metta, he is a rapper. But the difference is that, whereas we admire Mr. World Peace for his commitment to the music, Mr. Shumpert is actually good (at least, according to ESPN.com; we at On Fire are terrible at evaluating rap and generally prefer country music).
And music is not his only skill – this kid also has some great hair. He is bring the high-top fade back, and we at On Fire could not be more excited about it.
The cool thing about the high-top fade is that you can grow it long up top but can still shave funny things onto the side and back of your head. And that's exactly what Mr. Shumpert did. He endorses Adidas, and in a spectacular show of brand loyalty, he shaved their logo onto his head.
The NBA told his to shave it off, citing league rules, and in another instance of corporate suits suppressing the dreams of great men, the logo went the way of Metta's rap album. Now just an awkward triangle remains on Mr. Shumpert's head.
This one is for you, Iman. Keep fighting the good fight.
