Dear A.J.,
Is Chick-fil-A being removed from campus for political reasons? If so, what about Pizza Hut? What has Pizza Hut done to deserve the wrath of the LGBT community?
Sincerely,
Engayged Student
Dear Engayged,
I'm glad you asked this very important question. To answer most of it, my gay friend, Bill will take over. Bill, being gay, is allowed to comment on these proceedings. Even though I have an opinion, I am not allowed to share it because of certain privileges. For the record, Bill wrote this while drinking straight out of a gallon of Chick-fil-A Sweet Tea.
***
Hello, I'm Bill. I've been gay since I was 15 years old, so I am capable of answering all your gay questions. First of all, Chick-fil-A was indeed removed because of the homosexual agenda. It was not removed because of its "values" regarding marriage equality. No, it was removed because its trans-fat content, its lack of vitamin D (the gayest vitamin) and its abundant complex carbohydrates affront gay values of physical fitness. While we believe in the right to marry each other, we also believe in the right not to see muffin tops. Wardrobe is between one man and one properly fitting T-shirt. Just as the Christian right is offended to see me kissing my boyfriend, so am I offended to see the Christian right eating fried butter on a stick in sweatpants. Replacing unhealthy fast food with healthy food is practically the prime directive of the gay agenda. Notice, ice cream has been replaced with non-fat frozen yogurt. You can thank GLAAD for that.
As for Pizza Hut's removal, it is also a question of values. Emory makes all its dining decisions based on the values of the establishments. For instance, Jazzman's Cafe was originally affiliated with Louis Farrakhan but renounced that association in order to stay on campus. That's why the only jazz played is a rendition of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." Similarly, Pizza Hut's professed values are at the heart of its removal. You see, Pizza Hut recently hired Joe Kim of Valero energy as its new COO. While at Valero, he oversaw the creation of U.S. defense contracts that provided fuel for Israel. Also, in 2010, Valero provided millions of dollars of funding to back California Proposition 23, which would have delayed the implementation of the Global Warming Solutions Act of 2006. Both Palestinian Rights and environmentalist groups are outraged at this new hire. Their pressure on the University has been firm and led to Pizza Hut's ouster despite the fact that these organizations do not exist. According to Food Advisory Committee (FACE) Co-Chair College sophomore Michael Sacks, "Who's Joe Kim? Palestine? What does any of that have to do with pizza? There's been no pressure at all about any of this stuff."
But Emory often yields to nonexistent pressure, more so than real pressure. For instance, the vocal #EmoryCuts group dedicated to reversing the recent department cuts has been ignored; meanwhile, Emory has bowed to nonexistent pressure and removed Chick-fil-A because, according to the Wheel, "More than 600 invitations were sent to Emory students inviting them ... to discuss a campaign for ousting Chick-fil-A from Cox Hall, but the event only attracted five attendees, including only four students as well as the Director of the Office of LGBT Life Michael Shutt." Emory proves that the less pressure you put on the school, the more it is willing to accept your demands.
It's values, not money, that are important to Emory, you see. Remember how Emory replaced one of the Einstein's Bros. Bagels on campus? It's not because it wasn't making as much money as Dunkin' Donuts was projected to make; Emory replaced it because the owner's values were pro-Zion. Furthermore, our dental school alumni spoke out about the need for "Christian bagels," and thus, we replaced Einstein's with Dunkin' Donuts. Notice again, the Christian Right's preference for sugary, greasy food.
So, young, Engayged Student, the reason why Emory removed Chick-fil-A and Pizza Hut has absolutely everything to do with the companies' values and firm pressure from the student body and has absolutely nothing to do with commitments to menu variety, menu quality, preferential survey data and financial considerations. No, profitability, quality of food and student preference are not a part of the decision to change food court options, only values.
Remember students, Sodexo giveth, Sodexo taketh away.
A.J.'s note: Einstein's Bagels isn't pro-Zion, dental school alumni did not push for "Christian Bagels," Louis Farrakhan did not associate with Jazzman's Café and GLAAD has nothing to do with Pinkberry. Everything else is true.
– By A.J. Artis
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