Sir Brady the Brave
I was perusing real estate ads in California the other day, and I ran into a description of Tom Brady's house. For $20 million, Mr. Brady bought himself 22,000 square feet, a massive resort-style pool and a moat.
Let me repeat: Tom Brady's new house is surrounded by a moat.
Good for Tom Brady. This is the man who is married to Gisele Bundchen. This is the man who has won three Super Bowls. This is the man who was been a spokesman for Uggs.
In other words, this is a man who knows what the heck he wants, and goes out and gets it.
Who would not want a moat defending their house? California (even after extensive research, consisting of looking at the top three results of a Google search for 'Tom Brady Mansion,' I was unable to determine the location of the house within the border of the nation's biggest state by population) is known to be filled with medieval knights looking to lay siege to various castles in the neighborhood. If anything, I must congratulate Brady on his good sense and prudence.
The thing about Tom Brady is that he is an everyman. He has the common touch. A man of, by and for the people. That is what I respect about him. That is what I love about him.
He is a man who looks to the past, because we all know that you must study the mistakes of history in order not to repeat them.
Brady, in the infinite wisdom that led him to a super-hot wife, three Super Bowl Championships and a sweet deal with Uggs, has realized that, in addition to this truism, it is best to study the good ideas of the past in order that we do repeat them.
There is nothing pretentious or ostentatious about a moat. Brady is in no way comparing himself to an elegant earl or dominating duke of the early English era.
Rather, in paying tribute to them, he is making a subtle, satirical commentary on society. This commentary went right over the heads of most observers – but not over the head of your astute correspondent.
Tom Brady is really mocking the riches of the society he lives in. Why else would he leave the moat uncompleted?
I mistakenly asserted earlier that the moat surrounds his house – in actuality, it only passes through the house's front yard.
What is the significance of this? By leaving the moat unfinished, Brady is subtly addressing the unfinished nature of our lives in the materialistic, godless society that we have the misfortune to live in presently.
But, I hear my readers asking themselves, could Brady not have built anything and left it unfinished to make this point?
Yes, of course he could have. But your astute correspondent has figured this one out as well. By using a moat, Brady is drawing our minds back to the past.
A past in which men were men, damsels in distress were damsels in distress, people never jay-walked, people loyally read their campus newspapers, dragons stayed in their mountain lairs and the world was full of beauty and meaning.
But this is not all Brady is saying. He is reminding us of where, in our modern, empty lives, we can come closest to reconstructing the glory of days gone by.
While watching football, of course! Specifically, while watching Tom Brady play.
So, yes, by building a moat Brady is saying 'Look at me!' But not in the way that one would first think.
I have been unable to confirm whether or not alligators live in this moat. If Brady is a man consistent with the opinions I have assumed of him above, then he surely does.
Lady Elizabeth the Fair
In related news, a Texas fantasy hockey league is off to a rip-roaring start. I was not aware that the NHL season was not going on, but apparently some people were quite upset about it.
Elizabeth Weinstein (better known for being followed on Twitter by the Brave's correspondent and being the voice of Dubs at 680 the Fan) is beating both her sixth-grade brother and all of his sixth-grade friends in their league. From the bottom of my heart, congratulations.
– By Bennett Ostdiek
