Editor’s note: Sometimes our writers are challenging and uncooperative. Other times they produce works of wonder. This is not one of those times.
My girlfriend says I spend too much time playing FIFA at my frat house. What should I do?
My boyfriend spends all his time playing FIFA at his frat house. What should I do?
No, seriously, I can’t answer these questions if I have no idea what FIFA is.
Editor’s note: Using Google, I explained the concept of FIFA to A.J. He said, “It’s soccer? How do you even play a video game about soccer? She should dump him and date a guy who plays a real sport video game.”
My roommate snores really loudly. What should I do?
Ear plugs. What are you, stupid? It’s 2013, there’s this thing called Google. I don’t even know why I have an advice column. This should whole article should just be a hyperlink to google.com.
Editor’s note: We explained that there’s still a print edition of the newspaper. “Are you insane?” A.J. yelled. “We waste money and paper to print this thing? I hope it’s on 8.5×11 paper, photocopied. Even Newsweek gave up. And this is no Newsweek.”
I’m sick of the food on campus. What should I do?
Emory Point is a new multi-use, “live and work” space conveniently located just across from the CDC and only minutes from Emory Campus. The new Marlow’s Tavern, whose ads you might see popping up all over, is introducing a Cajun-inspired Bayou Brunch.
“It’s where the good times roll,” says Don Johnson of the Emory Communications department. “There are new restaurants ranging from artisan sandwiches to a no-rules taco joint.”
I love the food on Campus, especially Sodexo’s new cajun-chicken fiesta at Cox Hall. How do I get more delicious food provided by Sodexo?
Are you using my column as advertising space?
One of my writers at The Emory Wheel is grumpy and won’t turn in his articles on time. How should I tell him he needs to pick up the pace and be less of a jerk?
Maybe, you should try to recognize that your columnist has a lot more on his plate than a newspaper website. Maybe he was also sick this week. You could also pay him.
What’s the sequester?
It’s a doomsday device made up of automatic spending cuts to defense and domestic discretionary spending meant to be so catastrophic that the adults in Washington D.C. would have to work with each other to avoid it. #yolo
If I drink wine, can I still use NYQuil?
Was this question submitted by Karen from “Will and Grace?” No, acetaminophen and alcohol can cause stomach bleeding, and the benzedrine in NyQuil plus alcohol can lower your heart rate to dangerously low levels.
Editor’s note: The Wheel recognizes that no one our age has watched the television program “Will & Grace,” but the writer insisted that the joke was “funnier that whatever you could have come up with.”
All my friends decided to rent a house in PCB for spring break and didn’t ask if I wanted to come. How do I get them to ask me without sounding pathetic?
That’s actually heartbreaking. Those people are not your friends, and if you ask me, they’re being selfish.
Do something to make you feel good about “you.” Alternative Spring Break (ASB) could really help you get perspective on what’s important in life.
Editor’s note: The application period for ASB has closed.
– By Alfred Artis