With only a month left of school, in four weeks, we will juxtapose this living Hell of a workload with a living Hell of monotony as we amble from room to room in our respective houses with absolutely nothing to do. Some of us may work to bring purpose into our meaningless life; others might plate agar for 10 hours a day and the transcended ones among us will be endocytosed by the world of Netflix and video games. Let us not yet contemplate what to do then, because for now we still have one last hurdle to leap: finals week.
For my English class, I had to do weekly blog posts to eventually make a writing portfolio at the end of the year that is worth 70 percent of my grade. I haven’t even started it yet. It’s at least 30,000 words worth of writing based on about six different books that I have yet to read and they’re all on different topics, from chimpanzees to South Asian religions. I really need an A in this class, too. How do I deal with this situation?
From Jain Goodall
Dear Jain Goodall,
Maybe if you spent as much time doing your blog posts as you do making clever pen names, you would not be in this situation.
Seriously, the fact that a professor doesn’t check your work is not equivalent to you having no homework. It actually pisses me off that you still want an A when you aren’t deserving of one in the slightest. Ease up your expectations and then we can talk.
Normally, you hear good people give advice like “Don’t pull caffeine fueled all-nighters” since that can really hurt you in the long run. I am not a good person. You have been taking a dump for the last three months of school; it is now time for you to clean up after yourself no matter how dirty the outcome might be.
Time you would have spent playing with yourself in your room at night, spend at Robert W. Woodruff Library with a shot of espresso furiously typing your essays. Skim your readings, flash through summaries of these books, write so furiously that you ignore basic grammar rules and then fish through the book to find the quotes you want. Rinse and repeat until you have a 30,000-word portfolio.
Your essays may be shallow, and you probably will feel like crap afterwards, but if you stick to the plan at least you will have something that can be handed in. After all that effort, the grade might be less than what you wanted. You might complain that life is unfair. Bullshit. Your own idiocy, negligence and inability to pace yourself are what culminated in this situation. You have not put in a semester’s worth of work, so don’t expect the positive results of a semester’s worth of work.
I chatted with the Career Center to try and get an internship for the summer. After promptly rejecting all the advice they had to offer, I walked to Falafel King to clear my head. On the way there, I met a gentleman with a beard, a fedora and a trench coat. He introduced himself as “Nightingale” and said he had a job for me if I was interested. It was super easy — all I had to do was take this heavy black briefcase to an underground Italian restaurant downtown, for a man named “Bad Alphonse.” The guys whom I gave it to were kind of rude, but Bad Alphonse kissed my cheek and gave me a bottle of wine. I think the briefcase had some sort of baby powder in it because Bad Alphonse stuffed his face into the contents of the briefcase the moment I gave it to him.
Anyway, Nightingale told me that I was now working for him. I really like the job security too. He said that there is “no way [I] could ever work anywhere else for as long as [I] live”.
Do you think I should take the job?
From Jimmy Cartel
Dear Jimmy Cartel,
Atlanta is the home of Coke, but this is ridiculous.