As we march towards Valentine’s Day, it seems different members of the student body have different concerns regarding the holiday: couples want cute places to explore in Atlanta, a picture of which would probably get them upwards of 200 likes on Instagram, frat boys ponder elaborate rituals for the new pledges to undergo Feb. 14, and happy revenants like me hope to make use of a Domino’s Valentine’s Day discount for a meal for one. No matter what your plans are, with a little help from your friend Doolino, you can enjoy the memorable week ahead.
I can’t find a date for Valentine’s Day! I thought I was guaranteed a date after I clicked on this link that said there were hot Russian singles in my area looking for someone like me, but after I entered my credit card details and gave them the password to my email account, my screen went blank and I never heard from them again. What do I do now?
From Bankruptured Heart
Dear Bankruptured Heart,
First off, please freeze all of your bank accounts and check for suspicious activity.
The most logical of people can eventually be broken down by the irrationality of their desperation. That is, unfortunately, what has become of you. What people need to realize about Valentine’s Day is that it is just another day on a calendar. Forcing yourself to find someone else to share this day with is a plan doomed to fail because you are not allowing yourself to naturally interact with others. Whoever you spend the night with, be it a hot Russian single or someone you meet at a party (which are not mutually exclusive phenomena), simply becomes an instrument to declare your perceived societal superiority: to not look like a “loser” on Valentine’s Day.
You are more than the person you screw on the evening of the 14th. If you want to avoid a very awkward evening, then do not force yourself to do anything bashfully.
I don’t have any interest in going out on Valentine’s Day because I am not in a relationship right now. I just want to chill out in Woodruff for the evening without thinking too much about what others around me are doing. What do you recommend I do to pass the time?
From (A)Lone Ranger
Dear (A)Lone Ranger,
Netflix and Domino’s is my go-to chill evening as it embodies all the qualities of independence I value the most. Domino’s, with its overt unhealthiness and economical price tag, is both financially responsible and far more comforting than any other soul. Netflix, in its engrossing nature and addictiveness, substitutes the warmth of another human’s hand. It is the perfect combination to survive the night.
Alternatively, you could do something even more fun than going on any date: hang out with your friends. You can gather with a group of friends and watch something together (but do not consume any alcoholic beverages for not only is that illegal if you are under the age of 21, but it is also forbidden inside all residence halls regardless). Perhaps, if you crave something fancier, you can order something a little bit more upscale than Domino’s as a group, like some authentic Mexican food from Taco Bell.
Regardless, remember that you are a sage in your awareness and that you need not spend time with someone romantically to enjoy the 14th of February.
Okay, so I’ve been dating my girlfriend Kimmy for three years now. We met at orientation and then decided to hook up more often when I sent her a Candygram for Halloween. One thing led to another and, well, here we are. I was thinking about proposing to her in the restaurant where we first had a romantic meal together: the WoodREC. I spoke to some of the people there and they said that they would even be willing to hide the ring in her chicken tenders.
What do you think of my ingenious plan?
From Diamond in the Woodruff
Dear Diamond in the Woodruff,
You and your girlfriend are living embodiments of trash, but if that is how you roll, then I have no objections.
My only issue with your plan is that by asking me, you have revealed your plan publicly. Given that the only people who actually read my shitshow of a column must themselves be trashy, I have a feeling that your girlfriend is onto your scheme. Good job, idiot.
For your day-to-day qualms and minor life crises, send anonymous questions to firstname.lastname@example.org