On Fire | Change the Game

“Steroid use will be be more common than Botox is now.” — Jose Canseco

No World Series in Major League Baseball (MLB) history has produced as many home runs as this year’s Fall Classic between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Houston Astros. The spike in home runs is a bit suspicious with pitchers including the likes of former Cy Young Award winners Clayton Kershaw, Justin Verlander and Dallas Keuchel on the mound. In fact, several players have claimed that the baseballs themselves are to blame. Supposedly altered to have slicker leather, the baseballs are giving hitters an advantage. MLB has long sought ways to make the game more entertaining, and it seems they may have found a solution.

The manipulation of America’s most sacred game for the purpose of increasing entertainment is absolutely … genius. How have they not thought of this before?

MLB’s alleged actions are admirable and should inspire other leagues to follow suit. So without further ado, here is a comprehensive list of suggestions for MLB and other leagues to make their sports more entertaining.

First, another suggestion for the MLB: In addition to manipulating the baseballs, the MLB should mandate that players use the same metal bats that are used in the Little League World Series. Replacing that Americana crack of the bat with the cacophonic ping of imported aluminum would have easily doubled the number of home runs hit in this year’s series.

National Basketball Association (NBA): Establish a dunk quota and ban bounce passes. Hypothetical: There are 20 seconds left in the game and the Golden State Warriors are up 120-70 over the Sacramento Kings. But the Warriors haven’t met the required number of dunks, which will result in an automatic Kings victory. You better believe that everyone will be tuning in to see Steph Curry lob the perfect buzzer-beating alley-oop to Draymond Green in the paint.

National Football League: Ban penalties. Enough said.

Major League Soccer (MLS): Shrink the size of the field, freeze it, equip players with skates and sticks, shorten the game to three 20-minute periods and permit fighting. OK, so it’s just hockey. At least a team of this league’s best players would qualify for international competition.

National Hockey League (NHL): With the MLS replacing the NHL in its current format, this league could play its games on a rink that is a frozen 20-foot deep pool. Plot twist: The arena temperature is sauna-like, no flotation devices provided.

Professional Golf Association (PGA): Unbeknownst to the golfers, the ball is actually manipulated by a controller. Its movement is dependent on the fans at home, who are able to vote for the result. One par 5 drive may be a hole in one, another drive on a hole with no pond in sight may still end up in the water. Then again, it will turn out to be one retirement home capable of determining who wins the Masters.

While those recommendation may not be implemented in the near future, one suggestion can improve sports everywhere: mandating steroids for all players. It’s just synthetic Popeye spinach and would lead to more home runs, more dunks, more par 5 hole in ones and, most importantly, more entertainment. Take out the ethics and bring in the juice.

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