Well, it’s been a while since the last On Fire. A lot has happened internally here since we last published.
We lost a key member of our team this summer when Bennett Ostdiek chose to go abroad to Europe for the fall. He’s somewhere in the middle of Europe; it’s unclear exactly where. Sadly, Bennett was the only kind of funny person we had on our team.
So, for the future you can expect a lot of half-a–ed jokes that are maybe kind of funny and probably would have made you laugh if you were in a good mood.
But you’re not in a good mood, you’re reading On Fire. So, you won’t laugh. We’ll try though, so I guess that’s all that matters.
1. The NCAA
Going into this offseason, there were a lot of people who (when they sat down and thought about it) might have hated the NCAA, but it wasn’t exactly a mainstream thing. The people who overtly wasted your time by ripping on the NCAA were the really loud, in-your-face kind of people that generally suck.
This summer, hating on the NCAA became a mainstream thing. Why? Johnny Manziel. Manziel is a pretty polarizing figure, but put your thoughts on him aside for a moment.
Manziel was investigated this summer for allegedly signing memorabilia for pay. This has given us two distinct reasons to hate the NCAA.
At first glance, this is absolutely absurd. The NCAA makes millions of dollars off of “Johnny Football” and the circus that comes with him. Manziel doesn’t see a cent of that money. So, what does it matter if he makes a couple thousand dollars on the side to support himself?
Whatever, so let’s just pretend that we are completely okay with the NCAA’s double standard which allows them to make millions of dollars while the players make nothing. Manziel should get an intense suspension, then. Out for the season. Instead he was slapped with a half-game suspension. God forbid he miss the Alabama-Texas A&M game. A few Ohio State University players sign/trade memorabilia for tattoos and get banned from NCAA Championship contention and all bowl games. Manziel gets an agent illegally, signs tons of memorabilia and gets paid thousands, then gets benched for 30 minutes against Rice.
Cool.
2. The Jets
We feel kinda guilty mentioning the Jets. The Jets are a horrible team that deserves actually no mention by any media outlet, be it the high-and-mighty On Fire or the lowly ESPN. They are barely better, if at all, than the Jaguars, but because they are in the massive New York media market everyone talks about them.
We decided that they are worth a prestigious On Fire mention just based on how absolutely embarrassing they have been. We all know how awful Mark Sanchez is, but they got Geno Smith now.
He’s really good, and he’s mobile, so he’ll probably be just as good as RG III. Geno started his first career game this preseason and sadly didn’t live up to the hype. At all. He played really bad. Like, three interceptions and a safety bad. To make things worse, Mark Sanchez came in at the end of the game behind a second team offensive line.
He was hit on his first drive and is now injured.
Lolz.
3. The Marlins
When it comes to ridiculously pitiful performances in baseball, it is all about the Astros and the Marlins. Which one of these teams was the most recent source of entertainment?
Yesterday was the Marlins, but we honestly can’t guarantee that the Houston Astros won’t have one-upped them by the time this goes to press. On Wednesday, first baseman Logan Morrison was going back on a fly ball. The ball was hooking foul, but was clearly in play.
Morrison settled under the ball and just as he was about to make the play, ran out of the way of the ball as if another player had called. Both the right fielder and the second baseman were several feet away and the ball fell harmlessly to the ground in foul territory.
Why did Morrison run from the ball? Apparently a fan in the stands called for the ball.
You honestly can’t make this stuff up. Keep doing you Miami, keep doing you.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
