On Fire | The XFL is Back and More Patriotic Than Ever

“One: Is this or is this not the XFL? Yes it is. Two: Do I or do I not currently have a pulse? Yes, I do. Let’s play football.” — Former XFL Quarterback Jeff Brohm on playing six days after a concussion.

With the post-Super Bowl flames in Philadelphia reducing to an ember and Kevin Hart’s celebratory drunkenness turning into a treacherous hangover, a world without football is starting to feel like a sick joke. In Super Bowl LII, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated Tom Brady and the Patriots — thank God and all felt right in the world. But now, a week and a half later, the abyss in the hearts of football fans everywhere is gaping. The next games of either collegiate or professional form won’t be played until late August.

But the football lull will soon be a thing of the past: WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced Jan. 25 that the XFL will return in 2020. Yes, the anti-establishment football league that operated for one season in 2001 during the NFL’s off months is returning. Without an official name, it can only be hypothesized that XFL stands for Xtra-Fun-League, contrary to the NFL colloquially standing for the “No Fun League.”

The XFL supposedly seeks to make football a fast-paced, easy-to-understand entertainment league that reinforces family values. Truly, patriotism is at the forefront of the league’s priorities and player safety is at the back — and your On Fire Correspondent is more pleased than Ron Swanson at a free breakfast buffet. It is rumored that players will be mandated to stand for the national anthem and respect the flag in all capacities. After the anthem, which will most likely include bald eagles circling the stadium, the league uses the “scramble” to determine possession, in which two opposing players fight to gain possession of a loose football rather than simply engaging in a polite coin toss. Furthermore, if the league follows its tradition of deregulated football as it did in 2001, the fair catch during punt returns will be banned, thus permitting all returners to become first-team Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) candidates.

The NFL has become the epitome of sports adulteration in America, where it can only be foreseen that Commissioner Satan/Roger Goodell will cover all players head-to-toe in bubble wrap and resort to two-hand touch competitions (No pushing, guys! Gosh!). The return of the XFL’s near-anarchic form of football is sure to restore the sport to glory. With provocatively dressed cheerleaders, hard hits, less rules and more patriotism, this is the league that reinforces all stereotypes of American sports culture. Rumors have it that former Heisman winner and most frat quarterback of all-time Johnny Manziel will be launching a return with the XFL — ensuring that every Brad in Alpha Chi Latte will order a fake Money Manziel XFL jersey shipped from a sketchy website from China that only accepts PayPal or Bitcoin. It’s #comebackszn, y’all.

With the revamping of the XFL, the no-fun monopoly of the NFL that limits player celebrations and unpatriotically cares for player safety will finally have viable competition. While critics may say that the XFL will simply lampoon the sport, your On Fire correspondent says give America what it wants. Are you not entertained?

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