Your On Fire correspondent is a traditionalist. He (or she) misses the tight fitting, Chubbies-length shorts of the Larry Bird and earlier NBA eras. A few years back, your On Fire correspondent sipped on a nice, cold Arnold Palmer as he (or she) watched the 2013 U.S. Open. For you loyal readers who do not know what an Arnold Palmer is, it is a perfect mixture of iced tea and lemonade — and, for those more adventurous among you, vodka. Arnold Palmer was also one of the greatest golfers of all time. He was classy, handsome and a fucking boss, traits to which your On Fire correspondent can relate. And your On Fire correspondent couldn’t help but wonder what the great, 85 year old Paler’s reaction would be to Ricky Fowler’s orange Puma clown suit. Moreover, your On Fire correspondent is certain that Arnold Palmer would have a conniption fit if he saw the Norwegian Olympic curling team’s gauche and audacious pants they trot out during their icy matches.
But today, your On Fire correspondent isn’t particularly concerned with basketball or golf or any other lesser sport. He (or she) is concerned with the greatest sport ever player. That is, America’s pastime, a sport in which pants styles have changed with the frequency of Katy Perry’s hair, also known as baseball.
Baseball was originally played in dress trousers and small belts were later added to their cuffs as to prevent them from restricting motion. In Babe Ruth’s time, pants were baggy and high, reveling classy stirrups. In Roberto Clemente’s time, they were more tapered, and the higher they were, the cooler the player was. In the 1970s, they were tight and went to Reggie Jackson’s mid calfs. Then came the steroid era, when Mark McGwire showed his juiced thighs through spandex-fitted pants tucked into his shoes. In the mid 2000s, guys like C.C. Sabathia hid their far rolls behind baggy pants that covered the tops of their shoes. Now, Bryce Harper rocks high socks with stirrups and boot-height Under Armour cleats.
Naturally, this style evolution has spawned a constant debate among fans over what the best style is. But your On Fire correspondent is through, so he (or she) took it upon his (or her) self to look into the history of pants.
In ancient Greece, nobody wore pants. Their horse-riding neighbors to the east, the Persians, Bactrians and Armenians were fond of pants, but the Greeks thought that pants were ridiculous and derisively called them thulakoi, meaning “sacks.” In its early years, Rome considered the draped clothing of ancient Greece to be a mark of civilization. Pants, on the other hand, were for barbarians. However, as the Roman Empire grew beyond the Mediterranean and into colder climes, Roman soldiers needed the extra warmth afforded by pants. The military adopted pants as part of the uniform, and the style spread to the people.
During the French Revolution, knee-length, form-fitting breeches, worn with hose, were seen as a sign of the aristocracy. Revolutionaries replaced these breeches with loose, ankle-length pantaloons as a way to distinguish themselves from the old regime. Not long after, the trend spread to England and to the rest of the world as European sailors brought their denim jeans and baggy “galligaskins” to foreign locales. By the end of the 19th century, blue jeans had exploded in popularity in the American West for their durability (especially while riding horses).
Throughout this time, however, it was very commonly taboo for women to wear pants. The Bible forbade this in Deuteronomy 22:5, decreeing that “the woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man,” a rationale that is still used in some modern orthodox religious communities. Yet, women doing dirty work in industrial sectors, such as coal mining, continued to wear pants, often hidden under their skirts.
But then again, can athletes really be held to the historic standards of lay people? If they could, Dennis Rodman could not have been the innovator he was when he sported his chic dresses. After all, swag plays a far greater role in sports, especially baseball, than in real life. So, you know what, Bryce Harper? If you’re going to put up 22 home runs at age 19, you go ahead and wear your ridiculous UA boots. Big Mac, if you’re going to pound 70 dingers into the grandstands, show off your masculinity with some tight ass pants. Ricky Fowler, though, you look like an asshole.
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