Aries
Opinionated Aries, you may catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but why are you trying to catch flies anyway? Flies are gross and nobody likes them. Instead, try to catch butterflies, with … flowers and stuff.
Taurus
You’re feeling overwhelmed, driven Taurus. You can only give your energy to so many things. Relax and treat yourself to something you know you will find satisfying. Provided this thing doesn’t hurt yourself, anyone else or damage property. Not that you needed to be reminded of that.
Gemini
Gemini, you’re so fierce that Beyoncé herself has to avert her eyes when you walk by. Don’t let anyone tell you to dial it back. Own the classroom, the workplace, the trivia tournament at the bar – whatever venue you know you will shine in.
Cancer
Don’t adopt an “I can sleep when I’m dead” approach to finals. The human body can survive without food longer than it can survive without sleep. Take a study break and Google that fact. Then drink some water so your blood won’t be mostly caffeine.
Leo
Unrequited love is a tough situation to be in, and the end of the year is exacerbating this. Gather your courage to find something to say to your crush before you’re separated by summer. Even if you can only muster, “I like chickens,” then you have said something and your crush now knows that you like chickens. Everyone wins.
Virgo
As we enter into the trying time of finals, remember the Golden Rule. As in study, and you’ll be golden. Show your professor that you’re worth your weight in gold. Get the golden fleece that is an “A.” Avoid Golden Corral. That last one is just a general, non-finals tip.
Libra
They say “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” However, I have it on good faith that being a Jedi/Ninja Turtle/Sailor Scout hasn’t been taken yet. Go for it.
Scorpio
Typically, Scorpio, you don’t care what others think of you. And most of the time, you’re right about their silly opinions. But if others think you are capable of murdering a fellow human being in cold blood, you might want to listen to what they have to say.
Sagittarius
Good things are coming your way in your career sector … if you’re willing to work for them. The Job Fairy won’t sprinkle some employment dust on your head and get you hired. In fact, in the ultimate twist, the Job Fairy herself is out of work.
Capricorn
Stop comparing yourself to others and work on defining yourself within your own standards of what makes you awesome. Like what your funny, talented, successful older brother does. Why can’t you be more like him? Get your act together.
Aquarius
Maybe you’re a morning person, maybe you’re a night owl. But only you can tell when you’re most productive. And only you can prevent forest fires. Just you. No one else. Why are you still reading? We need you to prevent forest fires!
Pisces
Give yourself a pat on the back, Pisces. For your 3,000th day alive after not passing on that chain letter in middle school, even though it said you’d definitely be murdered by a serial killer ghost. Now pass on this horoscope or you will have bad luck for the next school year and your crush will hate you and you will die sad and alone.
Horoscopes by Grace Cummings
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
