The stars have spoken, and the secrets of your destiny are at your fingertips! Made it through Valentine’s Day? Wondering what the future has in store next? Prepare for the painful truth as presented in Student Life’s freakishly insightful Horoscopes!
So, like, you have a, like, habit of, like, adding too many “likes” to your sentences, and, like, this is, like, what you, like, sound like. It’s, like, really annoying, and you need to, like, stop.
When life hands you lemons, make lemon drop shots. Unless you’re under 21. Then if life hands you lemons, make lemon pound cake. Unless you’re under 21 and diabetic, then . . . make Pledge?
You should start thinking about things you’re going to do this summer. This is a note for me, since I’m a Gemini, but it couldn’t hurt you to think about it either, fellow Gemini.
Feel like switching up your style? Take off your glasses if you wear them, or if you don’t wear glasses, put them on! Genius! Man, I should write for Vogue.
Thinking about getting back together with your ex? I’ve already formed my responses to your excuses: Nope. Don’t do that. No. Uh-uh. Stop that right now. Nope.
If you’re reading this in class, Virgo, I’m going to need you to pay attention. Never mind that I’m writing this horoscope while I’m in class. This isn’t about me.
Your English major friend will be going through some tough times this week. Comfort them by patting them on the back and saying, “There, they’re, their…”
Some weeks you just can’t win, am I right? Even Words With Friends let you down this week. Just know, Scorpio, that you’re a winner in my book. Of winners. You’re a winner in my book of winners.
You say you want a love like what Romeo and Juliet had? One with an obsessive passion that results in the death of you, your partner and some members of your respective families? I’m going to have to advise against that.
Whatever your weekend plans may be, just remember that only Donald Duck can pull off being pants-less in public. You’ll thank me later.
You’re going to be on top of things this week, Aquarius. You could even say it’s … the Age of Aquarius. (If you don’t get that reference, ask your parents.)
Stop associating with Gemini people, Pisces. I mean, right? Gemini people are so weird. Gross. But, then again, you’re going to be the weird one asking people their zodiac sign before you talk to them.
Horoscopes by Grace Cummings