The hunger games have crept up on Emory students: housing selection. I’m not a genie who can grant you the room overlooking McDonough Field in Few Hall or Evans Hall or give you that MTV-style “Welcome to My Crib” suite in Harris Hall. But with some advice from your good friend Doolino, you can hopefully overcome the paranoia of finding the “perfect” home.
It feels like everyone has a roommate. At the moment, I’m seriously considering requesting a single. It would be for the sole purpose of continuing my life of laziness. I do not make my bed — the mattress cover is my blanket — or clean the clutter of books and food wrappers off my desk. I rarely fold my clothes, and that’s only if I remember to do the laundry. My side of the room is practically a dumping ground compared to my roommate’s. But I like borrowing her clothing and makeup when we go out. And I really enjoy our 3 a.m. chats over pizza and the early morning semi-polite exchanges before class. To be honest, I just can’t be bothered to go through this painstaking process of finding a roommate. What do you recommend?
From Your Average Hot Mess
Dear Your Average Hot Mess,
Look at you, feigning this facade of laziness and apathy when you obviously want a roommate. Seriously, who would bother emailing a fictional skeleton for advice on a problem and then end with “I don’t really care.” You shouldn’t get a single if you like living with other people. Not to mention, living with another person can be useful for life after graduation, as you are better prepared for living with your future flatmates you may or may not know very well. Don’t tell me you’re willing to pay extra for a single room that you don’t want just because you can’t hang up your dirty laundry. Try putting aside 20 minutes before bed every other day to clean your room. A little effort will go a long way. Honestly, is keeping your clothes on the floor worth dying alone in a hole — oh, I meant getting a single — or the extra work of having to clean a bathroom for a little extra space? I didn’t think so.
Come the weekend, everyone is welcome in my “man cave.” I want a steady flow of men and women that bring offerings — try: potluck — and for my sanctuary’s boujee to quench their thirst and satiate their hunger on a figurative level. From what I hear, rushing and pledging a fraternity is all about hardcore fun. I aim to promote that same ideal in my “man cave.” So, I’m wondering if I should say “screw you” to housing, rush a fraternity in the fall and sleep on a friend’s floor in the meantime, or take my chances on the rooming selection system?
From Frat Ragrets
Dear Frat Ragrets,
The other day, I said, “No” to a Girl Scout who tried to sell me cookies. With shades over my eyes and “Starboy” by The Weeknd blasting, I nonchalantly rushed past the pony-tailed Girl Scout, ignoring her immaculate gaze as the coldness of my words caused her puppy dog eyes to well with tears. And to make matters worse, I began craving a soft, chewy, chocolate-covered coconut Samoa. I sat through Financial Accounting thinking about bad debt expense and the snacking opportunity I missed. How will I live with the regret of not buying those delicious cookies and breaking that little girl’s heart?
From Starving to “Debt”
Dear Starving to “Debt”,
When you dismissed that innocent Girl Scout, you committed a cardinal sin that shall force the heavens to never let you taste the deliciousness of Samoas again. You are a cursed man now. You shall roam these plains forever sans the sweetness of those cookies to relieve you from your Sisyphean slog of a life. I hope you’re happy.