Doolino Knows Best: A Festive Drought

And there goes Halloween, a wonderful time of the year filled with candy, parties and visiting the president’s hou — oh, that didn’t happen this year. Anyways, as we depart these wonderful days of pumpkin everything, we enter a rather awkward phase: too late to celebrate Halloween, too early to get into the Christmas spirit. Nevertheless, fun is not a date on a calendar but rather an experience that can be had at any time.

Dear Doolino,
Well that was an interesting past few days. I decided to dress up as Harambe for Halloween (a somewhat antiquated joke at this point, to be brutally honest). Let’s just say I … had a few too many cups of punch. One thing led to another and although I don’t remember the details, I woke up the next day having spent 55 dollars on the adoption certificate of a Bengali tiger. Oh, and with 230 seconds of absolutely humiliating Snapchat videos!
What do I do? How can I show face around my social circle?
Yours truly,

One Punch Man


Dear One Punch Man,

You were drinking punch? What is this, elementary school?
Let’s be honest, buying a tiger is the best thing you could have done when intoxicated. Embarrassing drunken shenanigans are the cornerstone of college life. You may be embarrassed now, but think about it this way: everybody has done something in their life that has totally mortified them to the point where they have had the exact same mindset as you.
Let me tell you a little story. There was once this cute skeleton girl sitting across from me at Woodruff Library (my 206 bones became 207 that day). Here I was in a trance, thinking of all the things I would do to that ribcage, until suddenly she comes straight to me and slaps me across the face — I had been staring at her chest this whole time! Everyone in the library laughed at me and my face was completely red despite my lack of blood vessels.
If someone oh so wise as me can commit such a perverted and embarrassing act when totally sober, imagine what the rest of the student body has done? That kid next to you in NBB 301? Probably took a dump in a mug when he was desperate and the toilet was too far. That girl in your archaeology lab? I’m willing to bet money she lost a few hundred dollars falling for the Nigerian prince scam that landed in her email inbox.
Shame is ubiquitous, but it doesn’t defines who you are. As long as you have learned from the sting of this experience and endeavor to know your limits when it comes to alcohol consumption, you have no reason to feel embarrassed around your friends, whom I can guarantee have done far stupider things.
Yours sincerely,
Doolino


Dear Doolino,
I haven’t slept before 2 a.m. in several weeks. My eyelids continue to droop and my morale continues to drop. I have tried my best to sleep at 11 p.m. or some sort of sane hour, but even on days when I wake up early I simply can’t find it in me to get into bed at a decent time. Maybe it’s because I listen to a lot of heavy metal before I go to bed.
As a result, I mope around all day feeling fatigued, and it’s really impacting my social life. Additionally, my academics are taking a big hit.
How do I stitch my life back together?
Ever faithfully,
Sleepnot

Dear Sleepnot,
Your academics surely are not taking a hit judging by the wit that is your name.
Jokes aside, sleep deprivation is a common symptom among college students. Eccentric sugar consumption (I am a jar of marshmallows away from type II diabetes), late nights at Georgia Tech and stupid wake up times in those precious moments of sleep autonomy are all leading factors in this endless cycle of pain.
What do I recommend? Exercise. It need not be heavy weightlifting; you do not need to get an absolutely perfect body like that guy in the DUC who wears a tank top (you know who I’m talking about). Work to get tired and release endorphins; all of this will eventually lead to a more-than-decent sleep schedule. An hour or so of shooting hoops, maybe a light jog or even some badminton with a suitemate, do whatever you want as long as it is reasonably strenuous.
Lay off the midnight Woodruff Cafe Coke runs, too. If you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time I take a nap.
Yours sincerely,
Doolino

For your day-to-day qualms and minor life crises, send anonymous questions to doolino.emory@gmail.com.

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