I don’t know where to go for Thanksgiving. Becky told me that her family owns a beach house in Miami but she’s been horrid the past few weeks since she’s been hooking up with John who is totally only hooking up with her to get back at me. Amy and Hannah want to do something with me, but Hannah really wants to go to Panama City Beach because she’s salty that she couldn’t go to a fraternity formal last semester. Also, I don’t really know if I want Amy to come because she might bring Justin and that would make the photos look really bad. He is 21, though, so we could get drinks more easily.
Where do you recommend we go? I was thinking that we rent a big beach house in Cancun.
You Are What You SDT
Dear You Are What You SDT,
Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin with this. Where has the wanderlust of traveling gone? Nowadays, it seems people — affiliated with Greek life or not — seek not the thrills of exploring a new place but instead just want a conduit to feed their binge drinking habits or — even worse — just want an aesthetic place to take a photo. Your experiences should not be subjugated to a collection of heavily edited photos on your Instagram.
If the goal of your trip is to drink a lot and chill with your friends exclusively, you can do that in Atlanta (provided you are of legal age — don’t arrest me, EPD). It is fiscally irresponsible to spend hundreds of dollars to go to a different city to do something you are perfectly capable of doing here. If you want to see something beautiful and cheap, the likes of Stone Mountain or Savannah could definitely be up your alley.
This weekend is freshman semiformal and no one has asked me to be theirdate. I’ve tried everything. I even spent an afternoon next to your statue at Asbury Circle reading “Great Expectations,” hoping some equally dateless freshman would come to sweep me off my feet. No one came. I know I shouldn’t miss out on this classic freshman experience, but it would be so humiliating to show up stag. I don’t want a repeat of my high school prom, which I spent in my bedroom by myself, crying. How I do I find a date?
Dates are an invention of the patriarchy designed to confine people to monogamous conventions. Who needs ‘em? Go with a group of hallmates, or just show up and see where the night takes you. Be spontaneous! You’re right — you shouldn’t skip out on this one-time experience, and not having someone to escort you is a silly reason to do so. However, if you really feel incapable of enjoying the semiformal sans arm candy, then I recommend at least taking matters into your own hands. Don’t loaf around waiting to be asked. Propose to your lab partner as you count worms. Sit down with that someone you fought with for the last brownie at the DUC-ling and pop the question. Download Tinder. Refrain from cowering out of rejection, and live out your hackneyed dreams.
I didn’t buy plane tickets home for Thanksgiving break because I wanted the extra weekend to party before finals. I now realize that no one is going to be on campus and Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill is going to be dead. Can you suggest any party scenes that will still be popping?
Dear Mag’s Enthusiast
Go home and spend time with your family. I’m sure they miss you, and there will be plenty of opportunities to corrode your liver at Mag’s in the future. It may be too late to purchase plane tickets home, but fear not. Alternative transportation can be found by standing on the side of the I-85 and sticking your thumb out. Someone will surely give you a ride.