Doolino Knows Best | From Internships to Internal Pain

And as the sun has soared high in the sky, it now descends and reaches its cool conclusion in this final stretch of the semester. The semester has forced the student body to adapt and evolve, as current seniors slowly but surely start their integrations into the adult world and new freshmen recalibrate their work ethics to match a college lifestyle. But like a cake in an oven after an extended period of exposure to a harsh environment, once runny batter becomes a solid layered product far better than its primitive form. As final exams and papers crush souls and break morale, keep in mind that from the ashes you will rise, stronger than you were before. Probably.

Dear Doolino,

My name is John Wise, and I am currently a junior at the Goizueta Business School at Emory University, where I am concentrating in finance and consulting. The Goizueta Business School is a top-20 undergraduate business school, and I have made full use of its prestige by taking a plethora of exhilarating classes such as corporate finance.

I am writing to you today because I would like to see if you have any openings available for a summer finance intern. I am armed with a boatload of experience due to my role as the director of Clubroom Hygiene for the Goizueta Meteorology Club, for which I single-handedly lead a team of two people to maintain the company cleanliness in order to boost morale and thus productivity. My role contributed to a 2.4 percent increase in profits between the Spring and Fall semesters of this past academic year. Additionally, I was awarded the “Best Director of Clubroom Hygiene for the Goizueta Meteorology Club Award,” a coveted prize awarded to just one director of Clubroom Hygiene whenever the president remembers to put it in his car in the morning. I believe this award speaks volumes for my drive and determination to do a good job, and it is for this reason that I request you read my application carefully.

Sincerely,

John Wise

Goizueta Business School, Class of 2019

(248) 434-5508

Dear Mr. Wise,

Thank you so much for taking the time to apply for the Finance Intern Summer 2018 opportunity and for pursuing Doolino as a next step in your career. With an applicant pool reaching an all-time high of one person, we have unfortunately decided to not move forward with your application.

We appreciate your interest, and we wish you all the best!

From Doolino

PS: I take it Goldman Sachs said no and late-winter desperation is kicking in.

Dear Doolino,

I have a severe heart condition, but cannot get the medical support I need.

It all started in Havana, Cuba. I was at an underground casino at a high-rollers table when a billionaire decided to go all-in. Calling what I suspected to be a bluff, I went all-in and agreed that if I lost I would give the winner “anything they wanted.”

This proved to be a near-fatal mistake. The billionaire won the round and requested my left atrium and left ventricle, referring to those critical components of my heart as “adequate trophies.” He flew me back to Atlanta post-op on his private jet, since I was too physically weak to board a commercial flight.

Doolino, help me. Half of my heart is in Havana, and he took me back to East Atlanta.

I told some doctors, but instead of seriously considering my plight, they started humming along to my account of what happened. Suddenly, my recording studio appeared at the scene and recorded my description of my ailment, and now I’m No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100.

How can I get my condition treated seriously?

Sincerely,

Camila Cabello

Dear Camila,

This is the absurd content that I crave so dearly.

They say that you need to give your heart and soul in order to be a successful musician, so consider yourself halfway there and be happy with your circumstance. Otherwise, I would first address what is a rather serious gambling issue before seeking further medical help.

From Doolino

0 comments