Dear Doolina: Life, Love, Lox

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Dear All Dressed Up,

Doolina is many things. A love guru she is not. For that, you should try consulting other sources, such as Yik Yak, Emory Secrets or the Magic 8 Ball. However, I can offer a few suggestions to help ignite the spark for you to find a formal date. First, find a prime location on campus: Starbucks, Asbury Circle and that one awkward balcony table outside the DUC are good places to approach your potential date. When you approach said person, try one of the following lines: “Hello, I’m conducting a survey of people willing to go to formal with me. Your options are yes or yes,” or “Formal???” followed by awkward flailing arm movements. After that, you should easily have a date. If not, there’s always Craigslist!*

*Doolina does not endorse Craigslist as a source for formal dates.

Sincerely,
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Dear Swiping,

Never fear. I happen to be quite the expert at Tinder. First things first, check your bio. Are you adequately conveying how funny/charming/athletic/quirky you are? Take for example this bio of a nice young man I matched with last weekend:

“bow tie obsessed, hopelessly romantic atlien pursuing a ph.d. in brunch. my instagram makes me look cooler than i actually am, i’m friends with three rappers on snapchat and sometimes i’m funny on twitter. guaranteed 2.6 laughs your first swipe right or your money back.”

Now, regardless of your opinions on bow ties (which I may have a certain soft spot for), there’s something to be said for this level of humor and different approach from the usual “Gym/bro/frat” I encounter on the daily. While pictures are worth 1,000 words, these fifty or so words made me curious to picture just what he had to say (and if everything he typed is in lowercase). Another tip I have for your Tinder trials is to just relax. People go on Tinder for different reasons, ranging from a desire to meet new people to sheer boredom. If you take yourself and the app too seriously, heartache (and carpal tunnel) are sure to follow. Finally, let’s take a look at your discovery settings. I know you really want 19-21 in a one mile radius so Jordan from Russian will finally notice your previously-futile attempts to flirt with her in between discussions of Dostoyevsky, but let’s be real. There are many more fish than the Emory sea, and, if you widen your net, you never know what you might find!

Sincerely,
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Dear Yes I’m Sure,

First off, congratulations on being one of the last people at Emory who remember what the journalism program was like (I may or may not still be upset about the foolish decisions that were made)! It’s alright to be frustrated at the constant barrage of questions about your future when just weeks before, the biggest decision you had to make was whether or not to finish that half-eaten pizza from last night. One suggestion would be to fill out a Cards Against Humanity-style poster with your degree, job and future address penciled in that you can wear around your relatives/friends/that one hookup who just won’t let go. Maybe make up an extravagant lie about your world tour with the Chinese underwater circus. Or, accept that people are curious about your future plans, grit your teeth and tell Aunt Myrtle for the 1,000th time that you’re moving to Athens, Georgia, not Greece.

Sincerely,
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Dear Lox-t,

One time GrubHub lost my order of Shrimp Fried Rice. I cried for three minutes straight, so I feel your pain.

Sincerely,
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