Doolino Knows Best: Veggie Tales

Dear Doolino,

Emory was the only school I applied to during my senior year of high school. Now that I’m finally enrolled here, I want to be able to meet as many different types of people as possible. I never realized Emory had such a diverse campus! I thought Greek life, which I’ve always adored, would be the best way to meet people. But rush doesn’t start until second semester, and I still haven’t been accepted into any cliques. I’m so worried that by the time rush comes around, I’ll be all alone and nobody will want me.

Anxiously,

Betty White

Dear Betty White,

Sorry about your loneliness.

I hate to disappoint, but whatever Greek life you’re talking about doesn’t sound like something we have at Emory.

That being said, I’m glad you think Emory’s a diverse campus! Everybody needs a little optimism in their lives.

Sincerely,

Doolino

Dear Doolino,

I’ve lost so much weight that I am starting to look more like a skeleton each day.  The predominant reason for my gastronomic struggles is the lack of vegan options at Emory. With so many people across the country becoming vegan, you would expect an all-you-can-eat buffet like the DUC-ling to be filled to the brim with palatable, animal product-free dishes, but alas, it is not.

All I ever seem to be eating now is rubbery lettuce and stale vegetables. Even the vegan stand at the buffet continues to rotate the same soggy, watery greens. I drown everything I eat in Sriracha because it’s the only good vegan sauce the DUC-ling offers, so much so that whatever I get at the buffet becomes a sad-looking Sriracha soup. The baked desserts taste and smell like Play-Doh, and don’t even mention the gelato. I think I’ve eaten more than 20 pints worth of raspberry sorbet this semester — the thought of raspberries churns vomit in my gut.

Eating vegetables for every meal has started turning me a sickly shade of green. My pre-med friend tells me it’s anemia, but given his Bio 141 grade, I think he’s wrong.

I think I’m becoming a vegetable.

The other day while I was trudging to class in the 90 degree weather, I started to sweat and was horrified to find the armpits of my clean white T-shirt soaked green. I’m terrified that I’ll start to photosynthesize pretty soon.

Nothing has been enough to satisfy my hunger, which seems to intensify by day and peak at night. Just last Saturday I awoke shivering from feverish dreams of juicy Chipotle sofritas and ran as fast as my malnourished, stick-like legs could take me outside Longstreet-Means, desperate for something to eat. Alas, it was 3 a.m., and Kaldi’s had closed. Not that I could have gone anyways — I had already exhausted my 150 Dooley Dollars in several frantic attempts to satiate my vegetating body. In my frenzied hunger, I stumbled onto Means Drive until I found what seemed under the glowing moonlight to be the most luscious bed of bushes I had ever seen in my life. After inhaling leaves, berries and some twigs from the bushes, I stumbled back to my room and fell into a satisfied sleep.

I am telling you this story because there must be other students struggling with the same shortage of vegan foods on campus. Every day, I feel my arms and legs atrophying more and more. My bodily fluids are turning green, and I think I’ve developed chronic constipation from the sheer amount of fiber I’ve consumed. Please don’t let my story go in vain. It’s only a matter of time before I die or vegetate, and I can’t become a vegetable. I have to become a doctor.

Hungrily,

Lettuce Eat Cake

Dear Lettuce Eat Cake,

First of all, I have a bone to pick with you: What’s wrong with looking like a skeleton?

Secondly, serves you right for caring about animals. While I commend you for making such a noble dietary sacrifice, I can imagine you must be getting quite fed up with the lack of sustenance (no pun intended) you’ve managed to find here. However, I think you haven’t tried hard enough to merit the complaints.

Eating those bushes in front of Longstreet was probably not the wisest choice. I’m sure many a drunk student has thrown up among those shrubs. If you had a little more self control, you would have trekked out to Lullwater Preserve. Unlike the DUC-ling, Lullwater is open 24/7, which basically makes it its own all-you-can-eat, vegan buffet. You’ll find it ripe with lush green trees and bushes of all sorts. I’m sure if you look around carefully enough you might even chance across some berries or mushrooms, though I wouldn’t touch the mushrooms.

Oh, and here’s the best part: If you go on a rare below-freezing winter day, you might find a sheet of ice frozen over Candler Lake — your own vegan ice cream!

Sincerely,

Doolino

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