Doolino Knows Best: Sgt. Doolino’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Valentine’s Day is imminent, which means that the Emory population must prepare for vomit-inducing Instagram pictures of couples audacious enough to actually publicize their love lives. Fear not, though, for the season offers many enjoyable aspects to put the lit in solitary, including and mostly limited to $2.99 bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at CVS.

Whether you are in a steady relationship and want a cute dinner idea (Taco Bell) or you are tragically single and want a cool way to distract yourself from the happiness of others, Doolino is here to solve your problems.

 

Dear Doolino,

I need a date for Valentine’s Day. I tried asking out every single girl in my computer science class, but then I realized that there are no girls in my computer science class. I then turned to the girls in my residence hall, but they all rejected me, calling me a “really bad RA.” I then made a Tinder account, but found limited success outside of the senior citizens category. (I accidentally entered my age as 210 instead of 21 and do not know how to change it.) Panicked and unsure what to do, I turned to my Venmo account and sent $1 to every girl on my friends list, hoping that one of them would take the hint. It did not work.

What do I do? I haven’t spent a single Valentine’s night alone since middle school.

Sincerely,

Big Date-a

 

Dear Big Date-a,

Your existence is an exploration of the line between persistence and sexual harassment.

You embody the socially constructed idea that people crave intimacy more on specific days. Valentine’s Day should honor the persistence and longevity of a relationship. To plan a self-assuring date on that day disgraces that message. You embrace a facade to temporarily conceal your loneliness. Your social media paints a favorable, unrealistic image of your life.

It is OK to be alone sometimes.

If you spend your time focusing on short-term satisfaction rather than long-term happiness, then you will find yourself in the same lonely situation every year. Besides, a first date on Valentine’s Day sets the relationship bar far too high.

Treat yourself to some $2.99 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, brought to you by Hershey’s Chocolate. Remember, there’s a smile in every Hershey’s bar (and presumably, every cup).

From Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I fear for my roommate’s well-being. Each day, the volume of tissues in our trash can increases exponentially, eclipsing the morsels of leftover Maru food. The only things I can see in the bin are drained bottles of Nivea Men Maximum Hydration Nourishing Lotion, which once stood proudly on his desk.

Doolino, I cannot sleep at night knowing that my roommate spends his days crying. What else could explain the abundance of tissues in our trash other than hours spent in the darkness, crying about his single status? What could possibly account for his increased usage of lotion other than a heightened desire to moisturize skin dried by tears?

I want to do everything in my power to help him. How can I get him through this painful time?

Sincerely,

Poetry in Lotion

 

Dear Poetry in Lotion,

Search for a different roommate with drier skin, to avoid contracting a yeast infection from the “tear stains” on your roommate’s blanket.

Imagine how bad your roommate’s “emotional breakdowns” must have been when he was 13.

From Doolino

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