Doolino Knows Best: Home is Where the Heart is

Family Weekend, when the guardians of your nourishment and development come and smother you with free food for a lovely two or three days. For many, this was a time of unconditional love and free meals, but with the weekend over, it can now be a relatively lonely time. Fret not, dear readers, for with some words of wisdom, hopefully you can persevere through this dark period of loneliness.

Dear Doolino,

My parents visited me from California and we had such a fun time, but now I miss everything about  home. I miss my friends, my dogs and  comfortable lifestyle of home. What can I do to stop this homesickness?

From Cali-fornicator

Dear Cali-fornicator,

Coming to terms with isolation is something that is rather difficult. Regardless of whether you are a freshman or a junior, the wound of longing is something that no bandage can heal.

Nevertheless, always acknowledge that your family misses you as much as you miss them. Constant Skyping (or Facetiming for all you Apple infidels) and perhaps even a postcard (the hipster antiquity of the concept will surely pluck the aged heartstrings of a parent) are excellent ways to express how much you miss them. This would ease their nerves and hopefully act as a way for you to vent your own homesickness as well.

Appreciation is the only antidote for the melancholic pestilence of longing. Nurture it and express it genuinely. That is the only way to cure the hole in your heart.

Sincerely,
Doolino


Dear Doolino,

I have gotten sick three times in my first six weeks here at Emory. I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe it is the intimate living quarters? Is it because of stress? Nevertheless, it is really preventing me from functioning at 100 percent. What should I change so that I stop getting sick as often?

From Sick AF

Dear Sick AF,

I empathize with you, seeing as I have no immune system. What you have is a very serious case of the “freshman flu,” a universal ailment that affects millions of college freshmen across the globe.

This ailment arises from a variety of reasons. Obviously, living with a roommate for the first time has a hygienic aspect to it that really does make a difference in terms of health. Sharing showers with a large amount of people with often … dubious sanitary practices also contributes to the issue at hand. Ensuring cleanliness through wearing shower shoes and constantly washing your hands is a simple yet surprisingly effective way of preserving your health.

Another often overlooked reason doused in the dubiousness of pseudoscience is malnutrition. When you first come to a new place that offers a (supposedly) free buffet of unlimited french fries and pizza, you are naturally going to pounce like a rabid tiger. But after a while, as you slowly descend into your atherosclerosis-induced demise, you will realize the error of your ways. The wise will change their diet to accommodate the healthier options at the DUC (while  choosing to not forego the soft serve), and the wiser will see food as a necessity in their life and not be afraid to spend the odd Dooley Dollar here and there to keep their palate excited.

Be not the ‘holier than thou’ freshman who doesn’t eat because the DUC food “isn’t good enough.” That type of behavior is unsustainable and toxic for one’s well-being. Fear not gaining a pound or two if it means that you can approach each day with a smile on your face.

Sincerely,
Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

I have a math question for my class! What is the largest positive integer n such that n^3 + 100 is divisible by n + 10?

From Math Incarceration

Dear Math Incarceration,

890, obviously. Do they even teach you idiots?

Sincerely,
Doolino

For your day-to-day qualms and minor life crises, send anonymous questions to doolino.emory@gmail.com

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